To Evan

Dear Evan,

I don’t know if you or I will remember this years from now (if either of us were going to it would be you of course), so I’m typing it out. Last weekend, when I was folding laundry and putting it away in your room I must have sighed or groaned or something, because you asked me what was wrong. And I told you my incision was bothering me and that I was just tired and you said, “Well, SIT DOWN!!” You sounded so like… my mother. In every possible sense of the expression – you were so full of tenderness and love toward me in that moment, so protective and kind, and so matter-of-fact and bossy – and I had never loved you more.  And no one had ever said anything so nice to me as that felt in that moment. And every time I think about it I want to cry, and I actually have a few times, when I’ve thought about writing this down but not had time. And it made me realize that there are many, many ways, my precious, darling, weird, smart – nay, brilliant – boy that you are my very best friend. I understand you so well, even though it may feel to you at times that neither of your parents understands you at all. Even though we frustrate you because we sometimes want some private time to have adult conversations or because we haven’t learned to play backgammon with you since Aunt Ellen left. Sometimes you frustrate me too, and that’s okay – it’s just the way of things (even with very best friends).  Oh, and you understand me better than almost anyone, better than anyone I interact with regularly, better even than Mom, maybe… because we are so alike. And because you are so empathetic and intuitive and perceptive and…amazing. You are amazing and it would be a rare day indeed for me to admit this to you, but we’re probably not even worthy of being your moms. I’m so, so grateful to know you, and especially to have your friendship in this life which can be so lonely for a mom who moved really far away from all of her friends and family to be a mom and stay home with kids all day every day. And of course I know that I’m your mom and shouldn’t really be your friend, but it’s just that I’m so glad to have you in my family to talk to and to listen to me, to share quirks and interests, and to interpret me to our other family members sometimes. You are my ally and my sidekick and just such a great guy, Evan. I love you. So, so much. More than you could ever possibly imagine, and that’s saying a lot when one takes into account the limitless depths of you.



I love this guy.


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